there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
