Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
