I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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