dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
