i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
His nipple licking is glorious
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