is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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