last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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