she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pants are for mortals
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
