dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
