His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
