The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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