If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
