Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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