Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
