i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
