I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
