apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How does it feel to date your dad?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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