Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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