Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
