Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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