I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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