well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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