Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
