you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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