I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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