i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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