Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
