I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
