Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
