nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
farters have to be the big spoon...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
