when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
