Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize