are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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