My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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