the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
