The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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