Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
