Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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