I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
