my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
