so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
