i was born a porn star she said
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
