i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
