you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
