Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
