drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
