The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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