I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
