you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
