You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
