I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
