her vagina looked like bernie madoff
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
