Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
