dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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